what to say except for that i dont think i've ever been so so so alone. 





each day i am so unbelievably drained from trying to please you, more and more and today tops it off. all i can ever do is blame it on myself, but i cant figure out where i fucked up. i stayed with you through rehab. i did everything in my power to help you.. .
fuck it.   i  f eel sick

taylors underwear and johns taking me to see him tomorrow. it's been a week! i talked to him on the phone today he told me he was done with drugs (except weed heh) and such ... so i guess it's working. i had a strange week. my boredom turned me into a stalker. yeah! cool!

at nicks, unsure of the year... and my age. how did summer get here? it came so quickly, i finished school yesterday and today is i guess my first day of vacation. taylor and stella and i went for the years first swim the other day:) i've got to take an exam on tuesday and if ___ isnt there im really questioning my existence, i dont know why i'm so curious. i took an amazing shower today and washed off every inch of hangover, lake water and grime. i need a hairs cut.

i have some real support, it falls out from under me. now im stuck on a  balance beam

weekend. it was taylors birthday we got a hotel then it was 4/20 i smoked 12 ls to celebrate.

stella is cool

c u at school

im going to take a test in 2 mornings for plc so i can take high school classes on the computer. the schools downtown im excited to be somewhere other than huntersville. and i can graduate early. im sneaking around like a perfect grinch and plotting nice things for  select people and secretly hoping douche doesn't go to new york. not so secretly.dont go. courtney i never see you anymore. DEAR dear california, i'm going to be in you on saturday!

well...that hangover turned into a sinus infection/common cold? guess that much needed walk in the rain alone cost me my immune system. i've been getting a lot done though, i learned how to make soup from the can (not that i can make soup not from a can?) and put some polaroids on the wall. (2..)

so i decided since i was sick that i would watch youtube like everyone else. and i'm ashamed and embarassed to say that i got sucked into that lonelygirl15 bullshit. watching each individual video was painful, crippling, AGONIZING to watch. 
unpaid actors running around downtown los angeles and pretending like their stupid vlog or whatever is really reaching out to people? the doc said it was probably the primary cause of my nausea besides the antibiotics. but of course, i read the stupid comments and found out how it ended, and spent all day....9am to 10pm watching. the dumber it got, the harder that little tic leeched to my skin. finished it (only to the finale. i cant bare to watch whatever new videos theyve posted) and i wasnt even in the least pleasantly surprised like i was half expecting? i just realized it completely wasted my time.

i warn. don't start watching even to find out what i'm talking about. i dont want any of you to suffer the same fate.

perhaps tomorrow will be more productive.

i woke up still drunk. twas a strange day as promised, another depressing 26th. jamey snuck me out of high school at like ten and i smoked with taylor and douche for a while. then some other things happened that hurt me pretty bad. i thought i was numb to those types of things happening since it happens more often than not, but looks like it still hurts.

i'm too glad jamey and blake moved here. i think i'm going to move in with her after second semester and just take online classes and help her with blake.
i love watching him! it's so refreshing to be with someone so smart and small and pure. so pure. he knows what i tell him and he's not even 2, and when he looks at me he understands me in a way no one else could.

all in all, my whole body hurts. drug test at 5! time to smoke

it's thanksgiving. i guess that means that after today everything will be serious christmas business.

sis and nephew..


he gets that face from me. yay blank drooly stares.