Drunk on the Amtrak

i really

2008-10-09T22:37:11Z

only use livejournal to download music, but looking back on all my posts, they're all depressing... what a sappy fuck! good thing no one reads this

airplanesssss @ 2008-09-14T21:46:00

2008-09-15T01:47:08Z

stop overanalyzing!!!!

i dont know

2008-08-19T03:44:27Z

what to say except for that i dont think i've ever been so so so alone.

each day i am so unbelievably drained from trying to please you, more and more and today tops it off. all i can ever do is blame it on myself, but i cant figure out where i fucked up. i stayed with you through rehab. i did everything in my power to help you.. .
fuck it. i f eel sick

airplanesssss @ 2008-08-14T19:29:00

2008-08-14T23:32:46Z

taylor got kicked out again for no reason, i really want to kick his crazy ass mother in her teeth. long story short he has to move to concord with his grandparents again and work 2 jobs until he can afford an apartment by himself up here. school starts in 2 weeks or less or something, i don't know and i don't care since i know how easy it will be. shitty shitty shitty summer

feel better baby

2008-07-16T23:54:08Z

out of breath and out of cash, find yourself watching M.A.S.H. every night on the couch. woman says let's take a drive down south, roll down the windows and open our mouths taste where we are and play the music loud. stop the car, lay on the grass, the planets spin and we watch space pass. walk a direction, see where we get. i never knew nothin' so there's nothin' to forget.
get real drunk and ride our bikes.
there's so much beauty it could make you cry.

im wearing

2008-06-14T01:34:07Z

taylors underwear and johns taking me to see him tomorrow. it's been a week! i talked to him on the phone today he told me he was done with drugs (except weed heh) and such ... so i guess it's working. i had a strange week. my boredom turned me into a stalker. yeah! cool!

woke up

2008-05-30T13:52:40Z

at nicks, unsure of the year... and my age. how did summer get here? it came so quickly, i finished school yesterday and today is i guess my first day of vacation. taylor and stella and i went for the years first swim the other day:) i've got to take an exam on tuesday and if ___ isnt there im really questioning my existence, i dont know why i'm so curious. i took an amazing shower today and washed off every inch of hangover, lake water and grime. i need a hairs cut.

just when i start to think

2008-05-18T16:22:53Z

i have some real support, it falls out from under me. now im stuck on a balance beam

i had a really nice

2008-04-21T01:05:52Z

weekend. it was taylors birthday we got a hotel then it was 4/20 i smoked 12 ls to celebrate.

stella is cool

c u at school

airplanesssss @ 2008-04-07T21:02:00

2008-04-08T01:02:58Z

sooooo stupid

airplanesssss @ 2008-03-29T23:03:00

2008-03-30T03:10:45Z

interesting week
we rolled today, mighty morphin yesterday
xannies most definitely to the rescue.
no one cares about such things,
made me a mirage and a big book collage
did the unspeakable in the garage
little concerts outside n gave brandon a ride
things get good
and the things that could are all kind of happening

airplanesssss @ 2008-03-20T14:51:00

2008-03-20T22:52:19Z

i had a good day.

airplanesssss @ 2008-03-08T07:51:00

2008-03-08T16:03:30Z

had a weird week but i liked it. i sang airplanes w sherri, learned how to cut pineapple (sort of) from emilio, gave out cds, cuddled with douche...and tay, laughed, ate a lot of pills, played ping pong until i was seriously sweating, had a lot of really nice conversations. outside inside in the morning in the sun and rain with and without guitar over lunch over pong and getting over tears in the modular bathroom.

last night i went to lors dads for a lil while. she's painting the most amazing picture! it looks like the background of fevers and mirrors w/o the mirror. except in the middle shes turning it into a big gold tree; the one i saw/was that night me and courtney ate shrooms and lor was the caretaker. i played xannies to the rescue on tay's electric, unplugged and drunk complete with kenny's blood.

today should be good

airplanesssss @ 2008-02-18T07:58:00

2008-02-18T13:24:41Z

i keep waking up early and going to sleep early. it's the shit. mornings should be enjoyed more by everyone. tay and i went to laser quest on saturday and went through my old neighborhood in matthews. went to the old tennis club and everyting. i wrote fuck brenda in the sidewalk.
good things keep happening.

been a while

2008-01-20T15:46:46Z

took a little break. i start plc thursday. 4 more hours of fucking hopewell thank god. christmas was good, i didnt get that much and i still havent given some of my gifts but im still giving late ones. i have to give my sister the shitty tv i bought her from goodwill. it's got wood panelling ;) still trying to convince tay not to join the air force.
things are pretty much at a stand still right now. nothing has changed in so long

airplanesssss @ 2007-12-18T21:03:00

2007-12-19T02:16:44Z

im going to take a test in 2 mornings for plc so i can take high school classes on the computer. the schools downtown im excited to be somewhere other than huntersville. and i can graduate early. im sneaking around like a perfect grinch and plotting nice things for select people and secretly hoping douche doesn't go to new york. not so secretly.dont go. courtney i never see you anymore. DEAR dear california, i'm going to be in you on saturday!

sniffle

2007-11-29T03:39:34Z

well...that hangover turned into a sinus infection/common cold? guess that much needed walk in the rain alone cost me my immune system. i've been getting a lot done though, i learned how to make soup from the can (not that i can make soup not from a can?) and put some polaroids on the wall. (2..)

so i decided since i was sick that i would watch youtube like everyone else. and i'm ashamed and embarassed to say that i got sucked into that lonelygirl15 bullshit. watching each individual video was painful, crippling, AGONIZING to watch.
unpaid actors running around downtown los angeles and pretending like their stupid vlog or whatever is really reaching out to people? the doc said it was probably the primary cause of my nausea besides the antibiotics. but of course, i read the stupid comments and found out how it ended, and spent all day....9am to 10pm watching. the dumber it got, the harder that little tic leeched to my skin. finished it (only to the finale. i cant bare to watch whatever new videos theyve posted) and i wasnt even in the least pleasantly surprised like i was half expecting? i just realized it completely wasted my time.

i warn. don't start watching even to find out what i'm talking about. i dont want any of you to suffer the same fate.

perhaps tomorrow will be more productive.

the dreaded 26 day wrap up

2007-11-27T16:13:16Z

i woke up still drunk. twas a strange day as promised, another depressing 26th. jamey snuck me out of high school at like ten and i smoked with taylor and douche for a while. then some other things happened that hurt me pretty bad. i thought i was numb to those types of things happening since it happens more often than not, but looks like it still hurts.

i'm too glad jamey and blake moved here. i think i'm going to move in with her after second semester and just take online classes and help her with blake.
i love watching him! it's so refreshing to be with someone so smart and small and pure. so pure. he knows what i tell him and he's not even 2, and when he looks at me he understands me in a way no one else could.

all in all, my whole body hurts. drug test at 5! time to smoke

airplanesssss @ 2007-11-23T23:08:00

2007-11-23T04:18:06Z

it's thanksgiving. i guess that means that after today everything will be serious christmas business.

sis and nephew..

he gets that face from me. yay blank drooly stares.

im thankful for all of you goodnight

airplanesssss @ 2007-11-15T14:54:00

2007-11-15T20:07:45Z

today has just been one of those days. ones where you make an effort to be nice to people but no one will cut you a break. you smile, they stare. you talk, they ignore, or pretend not to hear. you sneeze, no one says anything... little things like that are okay when spread out but there are just those days when they all pile up and you realize seriously no one cares about you and your stupid shit that isn't together.

UGH i feel like a toxin. if i try to push you away, don't let me. if i get real quiet for no reason then ask why. if i try to avoid something then push the topic until i say something if you have to because otherwise no one is going to hear it. i wish i could just have special vision and only see the people that care in any minor way about what happens to me. if i had to guess, the number feels pretty close to none.

little less emo

2007-11-03T14:07:36Z

i had a good dream and it's time to be positive. the cold's got me miserable i cant wait to be home even if it's only for a few days. it's going to feel so good to be there. i realized that i really am 16, even if i try to deny it in my mind. and instead of looking at it as a bad thing, or a disadvantage.. even though it probably is, i have to look at it as a good thing like i used to. it's kind of like when you are waiting for something and you're nervous and not ready, then you remember you have like 5 extra minutes. the only trouble is that i dont have anyone to spend my 5 extra minutes with, because no one else has 5 extra minutes. well, no one good.

it's also strange when people say they care about you when they don't. just...why would you do that? especially when you let a person see so much of yourself that no one sees, but only to be rejected and lied to. and it becomes so clear that they don't really care, and even if they have a shred of the care that you have for them, that in itself is even more depressing.
but like i said, it's time to be positive. i've got to stop clinging to people like they're my last hope.
if you've got 5 minutes, maybe we should spend some of them together.

does anyone know about

2007-10-30T16:28:01Z

spider bites? i woke up with a bloody mark on my hand came to realize it's a bite and a ring formed around it and it's right on the vein. what do i do to it, should i go to the doc?

airplanesssss @ 2007-10-27T19:56:00

2007-10-28T00:04:17Z

it's not so much that i'm worthless... it's that i've drained myself of all value. if you want to help somebody you're going to have to hurt somebody else in the process. and most of the time that person is yourself. i can't pass a mirror or a big store glass window without turning away.

well

2007-10-25T02:34:14Z

...i did it.

heres why you're wrong.

2007-10-24T14:08:46Z

made a promise, not to anyone but myself and tonight is the one. i'll walk by myself if i have to. at this point i think its the only way out of a certain hole i'm in.

i keep talking to people i shouldn't and i swore i wouldn't. and it doesn't make me feel any better but i don't know what else to do or where to go. talking to them makes me feel even more worthless.
everytime i think the swelling in my brain is going down it just swells back up, months and days and weeks and years have gone by. i've gotten used to it but i bleed so deep for the people around me, deeper than anyone realizes.

i cant tell you how sad i am for you and your loss. i know you have a close enough family to cling to each other in times like these, but you will all be in my thoughts. no one deserves to feel that kind of pain and i'd like to say it's a part of life, but how could it be?